Emotionally Intelligent kids
Why is emotional intelligence important for kids?
When kids are helped interpret and understand emotions in themselves and others they are developing their emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent kids have increased empathy towards others, improved social interactions and ultimately better behaviour. This all improves their chances of better lifelong mental health.
Parents are key in developing their child’s emotional intelligence
If infants experience a safe and secure early attachment with primary caregivers who are nurturing and predictable, then the child is off to a great start. The parent-child relationship is where emotional intelligence in kids forms because it’s through experiences and relationships with others that kids learn about emotions.
Children just like adults, get angry, frustrated, scared and anxious and often it’s their behaviour, rather than their words that convey these emotions.
Behaviours such as tantrums, avoidance, crying, arguing etc can be challenging and confusing for parents. If parents can take a moment to consider “what is my child feeling right now?” this helps uncover the feelings underneath the child’s behaviour. When parents can give the child words for these feelings, the child feels understood. The next step is to try and help the child learn to communicate and cope the next time they experience those feelings.
Parents are key to helping kids’ emotional intelligence, but other adults who may be around can be a great source of help too. Grandparents, carers, teachers, counsellors and therapists can all help children learn about and cope with their emotions.
When children are helped to express their emotions – they learn skills to cope with their feelings.
Sending the message to children that it is OK to talk about how we feel begins by talking about our own feelings. This normalises talking about feelings and gives children the words to use when big emotions arise.
Underneath every behaviour, there is a feeling
From the time they are infants, children begin to express their emotions through their behaviours. They will cry when they feel hungry, tired or uncomfortable and they depend on their parent or caregivers to respond to them and soothe them.
If they are excited or happy they may laugh or lift their arms to be picked up. When parents laugh and smile with their baby, the baby learns about positive emotions.
As they grow, children begin to express their feelings in new ways. As toddlers, they will show their unhappy emotions with behaviours such as tantrums, clinging, whining or refusing to co-operate.
As children grow older and begin to understand more about the world, new feelings might emerge such as worry or fears and behaviours such as not wanting to separate to go to sleep or school might emerge.
How can you help kid’s with their emotions?
Listen, pay attention to them and tune into cues such as their facial expressions and their body language. Notice their behaviours, are they speaking less, do they seem withdrawn, angry or sad.
Understand that behind every behaviour is a feeling. Ask yourself what is it that they are trying to tell me about this behaviour? Could they be worried about something, frustrated or frightened?
Talk to them and ask them about what is happening. Be curious, give them time to respond and reassure them it’s OK to talk about what’s on their mind.
If they struggle to explain what is happening you can use toys or puppets as a way of helping them talk about what is on their mind. Drawing is also a great way to explore emotions with children. Reading picture books and pointing to the character’s feelings is a very effective way to help children identify feelings in themselves and others.
Talk to your child and show them new ways to manage their emotions. Tell them how you cope with feelings, help them problem-solve and suggest and practice ways they can manage next time they are struggling with a big feeling.
When children learn to express their feelings when they are young, they are off to a great emotional start!
Divorce and Children
Divorce is always a difficult time for all concerned and children, in particular, need extra support and understanding if their parents decide to divorce. Young children can display signs of distress through their behaviour and they may regress in areas such as sleeping and separating. Older children may withdraw and become depressed and anxious. This resource from milavetzlaw.com/children-and-divorce/ provides some helpful strategies about how to support children during a divorce.